Why July Flies By

Wow. Three weeks gone in July and not one single post? I’m slipping. I don’t have a good reason for not talking to you for so long, my loyal readers, but I do have a bunch of OK reasons.

1) My buddy SkidVis got me an iPod Touch for my birthday (I know, pretty sweet friend, right?) and I downloaded the WordPress app for it. On July 5th I wrote an awesome post about bike trails and the interesting people I saw using that app. I was only 90% done so I saved it in local draft mode and when I went to finish it the next day it was gone. The only thing that was left was the title of the post. I wrote the post in “the heat of the moment” after the bike ride and I couldn’t remember half of what I said, so I just scrapped it.

2) July 8thI was packing and otherwise getting ready to go to Cancun with my wife. I also took my daughter to JCPenney to get her 1 year photos taken.

3) July 9th-12thI was in Cancun with my wife. I probably would’ve tried to write another post on my iPod Touch while on one of my 4 layovers in the airports, but I couldn’t connect to a WiFi signal in any of them and I wasn’t about to write a report I couldn’t post right away. By the way, the trip was awesome and long enough (every time we told someone we were going for 4 days they said it would be too short). The beaches were sandy and full of cool shells for me to collect, the sun shined almost the whole time, the food was great, and the company (my wife) couldn’t have been more lovely.

4) July 13th-15th My dad and I drove down to St. Louis for the Major League Baseball All-Star Game. I brought my laptop to write a post but lo-and-behold the hotel didn’t have wireless. We had a blast, though. I got to Busch Stadium at 10am (the game didn’t start until 7pm) to walk around, enjoy the atmosphere, and try to score some autographs. Mission accomplished! I was one of the first people in line to get Milwaukee Brewers‘ first baseman Prince Fielder’s autograph (he won the Home Run Derby the night before so the line got pretty long, pretty quick). My dad and I stopped at a Wal-Mart in Kansas City to get a few baseballs and Sharpies so I could collect the autographs, but unfortunately Prince was only signing these little cards as part of a promotion with… I forget who. As I was in that line I heard that Cardinals great Lou Brock would be signing shortly so as soon as I congratulated Prince on winning the Derby the night before I made my way over to Lou’s tent. Being in St. Louis, I wasn’t surprised that Lou’s line was longer than Prince’s but I was a little worried that I wouldn’t be able to get through it before he had to go get ready for the parade later that day. Luckily I did get through and instead of a stupid card, Lou was signing 8×10 glossy photos, and had a MLB associate standing next to him authenticating the signatures as he was doing it. I didn’t have much time to talk to either person, but I do want to point out that they were both super nice guys. The game was awesome and my seats were even better. We were three rows behind the National League bullpen, so a lot of home runs were hit our way during batting practice. My dad even caught a ball tossed into the stands by Raul Ibanez of the Phillies and gave it to me. Because I was so close to the bullpen, every half inning (the ushers made me sit down during actual play) I would run to the side of the bullpen and ask the players to sign my balls. In the fifth I was finally able to convince Heath Bell of the Padres to sign one for me. Too bad he ended up being the losing pitcher that night.

5) July 15th (evening) and still ongoing. I started feeling a little under the weather when my wife and I went out to eat the night I got back from St. Louis. For the next 3 days I got worse and worse, until yesterday I started feeling a little better, and today I feel a little better still, but I’m not anywhere near 100% yet. Basically, somehow I ingested some tainted water while I was in Mexico, and after an apparent 3 day latency period, whatever was in the water decided to attack my digestive system. This is sometimes called Montezuma’s Revenge, but is more commonly referred to as traveler’s diarrhea. Boy, that name couldn’t be any more accurate. I went to the bathroom over 100 times in 4 days. No joke. I also got a fever trying to fight the infection and sweated through 8 shirts, 5 pairs of pajama pants, and 3 sets of sheets over 3 nights. I hope none of you ever have to go through what I went though, so whenever you go south of the border make sure to stay as far away from non-bottled water as you can. Not just drinking, but brushing your teeth, washing your hands, even taking a shower. OK, maybe the shower thing is going a little too far, but if that’s how I got this bug I would skip a shower for an entire year, rather than go through a week of this again.

6) As SkidVis so eloquently Twittered on July 20th, “If ur like me, u tweet often cuz u feel it counts as updating ur website.” I have been thinking this way, but I’m going to try to get away from this mentality. Have no fear, Twitter followers, I will still update Twitter just like I have been, I just won’t count it in my mind as a website update.

So, I apologize for not updating weekly as I promised at the beginning of the year, but I will do my best to finish the year off as I started it, with a post every week.

Open Letter to Fox

May 4th, 2009

To: Fox Executives

Re: Television Programming Lineup

Dear Sirs and Madams,

          Let me start by telling you how much I love some of your shows. I am a big fan of House, 24, Fringe, Dollhouse, and Lie to Me. I haven’t missed an episode of any of those shows since they went on the air.  I also own every season of House and 24 that is currently out on DVD. It may not have been the smartest move on my part to buy the DVDs, since I haven’t actually watched them since I bought them, but just knowing they are on my shelf helps me sleep better at night. So, thank you for that.

          I also need to let you know how awesome I think hulu.com is. Being able to watch any of my favorite shows that I may have missed for free! is, to borrow a phrase from the Brits, bloody brilliant. On the flip side of that coin, though, the reason why I most recently had to use hulu.com is, to borrow a phrase from the French, #$!%ed up. I work full-time, and I go to school, and I have a nine-month old daughter, so I really don’t have time to sit down and watch all of those shows I mentioned above when they are actually airing.

          To help me actually have time to sit down and watch your awesome shows I employ the services of a Tivo. Tivo is a wonderful thing. I can’t even imagine my life without it. The only real drawback I have found to Tivo is WHEN SOME IDIOT *coughRyanSeacrest* CAN’T CONTROL THE SHOW HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE MCing SO IT GOES LONGER THAN IT SHOULD, PUSHING BACK THE STARTING TIME OF THE NEXT SHOW, AND RATHER THAN CUT THAT SHOW OFF AND PLAY THE NEXT SHOW ON TIME OR CUT OUT A FEW COMMERCIALS TO GET THE NEXT SHOW BACK ON TIME, THE MORON IN THE STUDIO DECIDES TO LET BOTH SHOWS GO LONG!

          Now, I’m not sure if you are familiar with how Tivo works, so allow me to explain. Basically, the networks (i.e. you guys) publish the listing of which shows will be on at which times. Tivo takes these listings and records shows that I tell it to record based off of these listings. When these listings tell Tivo that Fringe will be playing on Fox from 8:00-9:00pm, Tivo will record whatever is on Fox from 8:00-9:00pm. You see, Tivo isn’t a human being. It is a machine that can only do what it is pregrammed to do. It can’t see that Fringe didn’t actually start at 8:00. So, guess what happens when Moron in the Studio decides to let both American Idol and Fringe get pushed back a few minutes? I miss the last few minutes of Fringe, that’s what happens. Then I have to walk all the up to my computer, go to hulu.com, find the episode I was just watching, find the time it got cut off at and finish watching it.

          Luckily for me I have a computer and high-speed internet. But, I would be willing to bet that not everyone who records Fringe on their Tivo has a computer, so they are missing out on the last few minutes. That’s like bringing dessert to someone, letting them see it and smell it, then throwing it on the floor. On behalf of everyone who watches Fringe: Screw you Fox for throwing our dessert on the floor!

Thank you for your time,

Jack Deus

Stupid Questions

There is a popular phrase, there is no such thing as a stupid question. For the most part I agree with this, but the biggest exception that proves the rule is:

Don’t ask a question you don’t want to know the answer to.

A perfect example of this type of question is one every guy dreads: Does this (shirt, pair of pants, swimsuit, outfit) make me look fat?

Let me break down the four possible answers to this question, proving it is a stupid question.

1) Yes, it does make you look fat. While you have to give him props for being man enough to be honest with you knowing there will be bad consequences, this is the least desirable response because not only does it confirm your thoughts that you are a little overweight, but also confirms that other people notice your extra pounds.

2) No, you look fine (obviously lying). Like number one, this question confirms that other people notice your flab. Depending on how you take the answer, this answer may actually be worse than the first. On one hand, he is willing to take your feelings into account and tell you what (he thinks) you want to hear. On the other hand, he is willing to lie to you, bold-faced and blatantly.

3) No, you look beautiful, no matter what. At first glance, this is the answer you want to hear, but even this answer has its flaws. If you actually do look good no matter what, I am led to believe you have self-esteem issues because you need reassurance despite your Greek-goddess body. Either that, or he actually does think you look good despite your spare tire, which means he isn’t going to help motivate you to put down that corndog and get to the gym. You two should be super-happy together on The Biggest Loser: Couples in a few years.

4) Do I look stupid? There’s no right answer to that, so I’m not answering it. Congrats! You have a smart man. He has either read this post, or had the same thoughts I have about these types of questions. You, however, will probably assume that he is avoiding the question because he thinks you do look fat, but doesn’t want to say anything because he doesn’t want to sleep on the couch tonight, and you will punish him as if he did say yes. The rest of us men feel sorry for this poor sap.

This logic doesn’t just apply to women asking this question. Some other questions everyone should avoid for similar reasons:

Do I have any habits that annoy you?

Is he/she more attractive than me?

Was my meatloaf better than your moms?

2009 MLB Predictions

Click here for my AL standings predictions.

Click here for my NL standings predictions.

Playoff Predictions

Looks like it should be a good year for the two biggest cities in America, as both of their baseball teams should make the playoffs.

NL

Cubs over Mets (Wild Card)

Phillies over Dodgers

Cubs over Phillies-Phillies have a good shot at successfully defending their title, but will fall short.

AL

Red Sox over Indians

Yankees (Wild Card) over Angels

Yankees over Red Sox-I hate both these teams with a passion, but both of their season’s will be a disappointment if they don’t make it at least this far.

World Series

Yankees over Cubs-My two least favorite teams playing each other in the World Series. Better start praying for a giant meteor now.

Cy Young

NL-Chris Carpenter-OK, a little bit of this is me being a Cardinals homer, but he does have a legitimate shot at winning this award if his arm healed the way it should have.

AL-Roy Halladay-Pitching a lot against the AL East might hurt his chances, but if he duplicates last year’s numbers (and somebody doesn’t have a fluke season like Cliff Lee did last year) he should run away with this award.

MVP

NL-Albert Pujols-He contends for this award every year, and this year shouldn’t be any different.

AL-Grady Sizemore-If he can raise his BA a bit he can not only win this award but help his team back it to the playoffs.

Rookie of the Year

NL-Colby Rasmus-Cardinals have a legit threat to win all three of the major individual awards.

AL-Matt LaPorta-The key piece to last year’s CC Sabathia trade should help Sizemore and Pronk (Travis Hafner) capture the AL Central.

Random Thought on Public Restrooms

This probably isn’t the best way to start a post but here it goes…I poop a lot. Like, more often than an 80-year-old man with an addiction to prune juice. I also leave my house a lot. Naturally, then, I have to poop in public places a lot.

If I do something enough times I start to notice trends and think of ways to make the experience better. Here are some thoughts I’ve had about public restrooms.

 

-If you have to sit (to poop or if you are a girl who doesn’t want to hover), use toilet paper to wipe down the seat. This serves two purposes, 1. it cleans the seat (at least the visible stuff) and 2. you now know how much TP there is so you don’t run out in the middle of filing the paperwork.

-Use a paper towel (or TP) to open the door when you leave. A lot of people don’t wash their hands when they are done. The door handle is probably the most disgusting part of the whole restroom because theoretically the toilets get disinfected on a regular basis, but who thinks to clean the handle?

-Speaking of people not washing their hands…just because you can’t see anything on your hands doesn’t mean nothing is there. Germs are really, really tiny. I mean really tiny.

-This one is just for the guys…if you have to pee and there is an open urinal, USE IT. I actually use restrooms to poop and I don’t like having to wipe urine off the seat before I go.

-Ball up the paper towel before throwing it away. It takes up like 300% less room in the trash can.

-I’ve asked many friends and coworkers why they put an empty stall/urinal between them and someone who is already using the restroom (a phenomenon I just discovered since I will use whichever one is cleanest and closest to the door) and have yet to hear a good answer. Most people claim they want privacy and that they are uncomfortable doing the deed while they can see any part of someone else or someone else can see any part of them. Everyone has to use the bathroom, don’t be ashamed that you do too.