Why July Flies By

Wow. Three weeks gone in July and not one single post? I’m slipping. I don’t have a good reason for not talking to you for so long, my loyal readers, but I do have a bunch of OK reasons.

1) My buddy SkidVis got me an iPod Touch for my birthday (I know, pretty sweet friend, right?) and I downloaded the WordPress app for it. On July 5th I wrote an awesome post about bike trails and the interesting people I saw using that app. I was only 90% done so I saved it in local draft mode and when I went to finish it the next day it was gone. The only thing that was left was the title of the post. I wrote the post in “the heat of the moment” after the bike ride and I couldn’t remember half of what I said, so I just scrapped it.

2) July 8thI was packing and otherwise getting ready to go to Cancun with my wife. I also took my daughter to JCPenney to get her 1 year photos taken.

3) July 9th-12thI was in Cancun with my wife. I probably would’ve tried to write another post on my iPod Touch while on one of my 4 layovers in the airports, but I couldn’t connect to a WiFi signal in any of them and I wasn’t about to write a report I couldn’t post right away. By the way, the trip was awesome and long enough (every time we told someone we were going for 4 days they said it would be too short). The beaches were sandy and full of cool shells for me to collect, the sun shined almost the whole time, the food was great, and the company (my wife) couldn’t have been more lovely.

4) July 13th-15th My dad and I drove down to St. Louis for the Major League Baseball All-Star Game. I brought my laptop to write a post but lo-and-behold the hotel didn’t have wireless. We had a blast, though. I got to Busch Stadium at 10am (the game didn’t start until 7pm) to walk around, enjoy the atmosphere, and try to score some autographs. Mission accomplished! I was one of the first people in line to get Milwaukee Brewers‘ first baseman Prince Fielder’s autograph (he won the Home Run Derby the night before so the line got pretty long, pretty quick). My dad and I stopped at a Wal-Mart in Kansas City to get a few baseballs and Sharpies so I could collect the autographs, but unfortunately Prince was only signing these little cards as part of a promotion with… I forget who. As I was in that line I heard that Cardinals great Lou Brock would be signing shortly so as soon as I congratulated Prince on winning the Derby the night before I made my way over to Lou’s tent. Being in St. Louis, I wasn’t surprised that Lou’s line was longer than Prince’s but I was a little worried that I wouldn’t be able to get through it before he had to go get ready for the parade later that day. Luckily I did get through and instead of a stupid card, Lou was signing 8×10 glossy photos, and had a MLB associate standing next to him authenticating the signatures as he was doing it. I didn’t have much time to talk to either person, but I do want to point out that they were both super nice guys. The game was awesome and my seats were even better. We were three rows behind the National League bullpen, so a lot of home runs were hit our way during batting practice. My dad even caught a ball tossed into the stands by Raul Ibanez of the Phillies and gave it to me. Because I was so close to the bullpen, every half inning (the ushers made me sit down during actual play) I would run to the side of the bullpen and ask the players to sign my balls. In the fifth I was finally able to convince Heath Bell of the Padres to sign one for me. Too bad he ended up being the losing pitcher that night.

5) July 15th (evening) and still ongoing. I started feeling a little under the weather when my wife and I went out to eat the night I got back from St. Louis. For the next 3 days I got worse and worse, until yesterday I started feeling a little better, and today I feel a little better still, but I’m not anywhere near 100% yet. Basically, somehow I ingested some tainted water while I was in Mexico, and after an apparent 3 day latency period, whatever was in the water decided to attack my digestive system. This is sometimes called Montezuma’s Revenge, but is more commonly referred to as traveler’s diarrhea. Boy, that name couldn’t be any more accurate. I went to the bathroom over 100 times in 4 days. No joke. I also got a fever trying to fight the infection and sweated through 8 shirts, 5 pairs of pajama pants, and 3 sets of sheets over 3 nights. I hope none of you ever have to go through what I went though, so whenever you go south of the border make sure to stay as far away from non-bottled water as you can. Not just drinking, but brushing your teeth, washing your hands, even taking a shower. OK, maybe the shower thing is going a little too far, but if that’s how I got this bug I would skip a shower for an entire year, rather than go through a week of this again.

6) As SkidVis so eloquently Twittered on July 20th, “If ur like me, u tweet often cuz u feel it counts as updating ur website.” I have been thinking this way, but I’m going to try to get away from this mentality. Have no fear, Twitter followers, I will still update Twitter just like I have been, I just won’t count it in my mind as a website update.

So, I apologize for not updating weekly as I promised at the beginning of the year, but I will do my best to finish the year off as I started it, with a post every week.

Mother’s Day Poem

This is the poem my 9-month old daughter, Allison, wrote for my wife, Laura, for Mother’s Day yesterday…

…

Sweetie, for you, on your First Mother’s Day

I asked Allison what she wanted to say

When all she could say was dada and googoo

There was lots of code to decipher through

…

I couldn’t tell if she said “daddy, I love you”

Or was trying to say that she just went poopoo

So I made her a hat that could translate what she said

And held my breath as I put it on her head

…

The hat let out a click and a small puff of smoke

Then, to my surprise, Allison looked up and spoke:

“My Mommy’s the best (you’re the best daddy too)

So, for her special day, here’s what we should do.”

…

“Go to Galaxy Motors and buy mom a rocket

Then fly her around the moon and Mars

And look out the window at all the pretty stars

Then give her some earrings or a tiny heart locket”

…

“Or maybe we could buy her a ship

Sail her to Paris, Rome and Jamaica

Take her anywhere she wants us to take her

I know she would really like that trip.”

…

Laura, she wants to pay you back for being so kind

These are just two of a thousand ways she had in mind

But, what she wants most of all is simple to do

To hug you, to kiss you, and to say “I Love You”

Open Letter to Fox

May 4th, 2009

To: Fox Executives

Re: Television Programming Lineup

Dear Sirs and Madams,

          Let me start by telling you how much I love some of your shows. I am a big fan of House, 24, Fringe, Dollhouse, and Lie to Me. I haven’t missed an episode of any of those shows since they went on the air.  I also own every season of House and 24 that is currently out on DVD. It may not have been the smartest move on my part to buy the DVDs, since I haven’t actually watched them since I bought them, but just knowing they are on my shelf helps me sleep better at night. So, thank you for that.

          I also need to let you know how awesome I think hulu.com is. Being able to watch any of my favorite shows that I may have missed for free! is, to borrow a phrase from the Brits, bloody brilliant. On the flip side of that coin, though, the reason why I most recently had to use hulu.com is, to borrow a phrase from the French, #$!%ed up. I work full-time, and I go to school, and I have a nine-month old daughter, so I really don’t have time to sit down and watch all of those shows I mentioned above when they are actually airing.

          To help me actually have time to sit down and watch your awesome shows I employ the services of a Tivo. Tivo is a wonderful thing. I can’t even imagine my life without it. The only real drawback I have found to Tivo is WHEN SOME IDIOT *coughRyanSeacrest* CAN’T CONTROL THE SHOW HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE MCing SO IT GOES LONGER THAN IT SHOULD, PUSHING BACK THE STARTING TIME OF THE NEXT SHOW, AND RATHER THAN CUT THAT SHOW OFF AND PLAY THE NEXT SHOW ON TIME OR CUT OUT A FEW COMMERCIALS TO GET THE NEXT SHOW BACK ON TIME, THE MORON IN THE STUDIO DECIDES TO LET BOTH SHOWS GO LONG!

          Now, I’m not sure if you are familiar with how Tivo works, so allow me to explain. Basically, the networks (i.e. you guys) publish the listing of which shows will be on at which times. Tivo takes these listings and records shows that I tell it to record based off of these listings. When these listings tell Tivo that Fringe will be playing on Fox from 8:00-9:00pm, Tivo will record whatever is on Fox from 8:00-9:00pm. You see, Tivo isn’t a human being. It is a machine that can only do what it is pregrammed to do. It can’t see that Fringe didn’t actually start at 8:00. So, guess what happens when Moron in the Studio decides to let both American Idol and Fringe get pushed back a few minutes? I miss the last few minutes of Fringe, that’s what happens. Then I have to walk all the up to my computer, go to hulu.com, find the episode I was just watching, find the time it got cut off at and finish watching it.

          Luckily for me I have a computer and high-speed internet. But, I would be willing to bet that not everyone who records Fringe on their Tivo has a computer, so they are missing out on the last few minutes. That’s like bringing dessert to someone, letting them see it and smell it, then throwing it on the floor. On behalf of everyone who watches Fringe: Screw you Fox for throwing our dessert on the floor!

Thank you for your time,

Jack Deus

10 Reasons College Graduations are Irrelevant and Annoying

I actually wrote the outline for this post a couple of years ago, but with my (second) college graduation actually in the foreseeable future I thought it would be a good time to actually put it down on paper (in the figurative sense; no trees were harmed in the making of this blog).

I have been to four college graduations that I can remember and would have gone to none of them if they weren’t for immediate family members (or myself) being in them. Since I had to be there I decided to try to pay attention to what was going on and came to the conclusion that college graduations are pretty much pointless. Here’s why:

1.       There is lots of symbolism, but no one knows what it means. Gowns, caps, tassels, Masters and Doctorate hoods. Does anyone really know what any of this stuff means? I’m all for upholding tradition, but maybe the College or University could put a little blurb in their programs about this stuff so people can actually appreciate it. I fear, though, that not even many people that work for the Universities know what any of these things symbolize, so they can’t explain it to the rest of us.

2.       As the grads walk in, annoying family and friends yell and scream, expecting the grad to be able to see them. Are people really that stupid to think the grads can see or hear them in a giant auditorium full of thousands of people?

3.       When the names of the grads are being read, even after explicitly being told not to cheer until the end, people cheer way too loud and long. Dozens of grads’ names are not heard because the family of the previous grad is still cheering.

4.       Similar to #3: when the names are being read, people blow airhorns and ring cowbells. At my brother-in-law’s graduation someone rang a cowbell during the Doctorate announcements, another person blew an airhorn during the Masters announcement, and at least ten more people blew airhorns during the Bachelors announcements. How is it that so many people think they have to make total fools of themselves, embarrass the grads, and annoy everyone in the entire auditorium? 

5.       Dumb awards. Five or six awards are given out (at least at the graduations I’ve been to) to people who I am sure are deserving of them, but does the time of thousands of people really need to be wasted presenting something that only the recipient and their family and friends really care about? If the awards were presented as fast as the diplomas I wouldn’t have a problem with them, but each award takes 5-15 minutes to talk about, present, and accept.

6.    Boring, pointless speeches. The Chancellor gives a speech, the Valedictorian gives a speech, the student body president gives a speech, the award recipients give speeches, the guest speaker/honorary celebrity gives a speech, the captain of the football team gives a speech…OK, maybe not the football captain, but you get the idea. Lots of people give speeches, which in and of itself isn’t necessarily a bad thing, except that they all same the same friggin thing: “Your hard work has paid off, now go out there and do the best you can. And remember you not only represent yourself, but your family, friends and this University.” The only speaker who said anything different was the guest speaker at my brother-in-law’s graduation who droned on about how mankind was going to meet its doom, and our doom was coming sooner rather than later. I thought the speech was kind of intriguing, because I forced myself to actually listened to it, but he had such a dry and monotonous delivery that 99% of the crowd tuned him out after less than a minute.

7.       No connection between the grads. When I graduated college I didn’t know one single person out of the hundreds (thousands?) that were graduating with me. I realize I’m a special case because I left college for a few semesters and came back. But, even if I had graduated with the class I started with I would have known maybe 50 people, and only 10 of them by name. Not like my high school graduation where I could name all 242 other people graduating with me.

8.       Dissertation and thesis titles. A few of them can be kind of funny, but ultimately they are just 5-50 jargon words strung together that most people outside that specialized field of study don’t understand. I consider myself a pretty smart person with a fairly large vocabulary, but I could maybe tell you what half of the titles meant. If Universities insist on publishing the dissertations and theses of the masters and doctorate grads, at least give a little 2-3 sentence blurb about what it means or how it benefits society. Otherwise it is a complete waste of space and paper.

9.       Trying to meet up with the grad afterward. 10,000 people all told each other to meet at the statue in the front entrance of the auditorium. That’s if they even thought ahead to have a spot to meet.

10.   Trying to take pictures. Once everyone realizes that everyone else is also meeting at the statue they start walking around looking for places to take pictures. That many people walking randomly around is going to lead to a lot of people walking through each others shots. As far as actually getting a picture of the grad as he is walking across the stage, you better have a professional camera with a 1000x zoom if you want to make heads from tales of anyone on stage.

Except for my own graduation (or graduations if I pursue my Masters degree) I hopefully won’t have anyone I know graduating college anytime soon. With any luck, by the time my daughter graduates college in 22 or so years some of these complaints will be fixed and I will only have a top 5 list.

Random Thought on Public Restrooms

This probably isn’t the best way to start a post but here it goes…I poop a lot. Like, more often than an 80-year-old man with an addiction to prune juice. I also leave my house a lot. Naturally, then, I have to poop in public places a lot.

If I do something enough times I start to notice trends and think of ways to make the experience better. Here are some thoughts I’ve had about public restrooms.

 

-If you have to sit (to poop or if you are a girl who doesn’t want to hover), use toilet paper to wipe down the seat. This serves two purposes, 1. it cleans the seat (at least the visible stuff) and 2. you now know how much TP there is so you don’t run out in the middle of filing the paperwork.

-Use a paper towel (or TP) to open the door when you leave. A lot of people don’t wash their hands when they are done. The door handle is probably the most disgusting part of the whole restroom because theoretically the toilets get disinfected on a regular basis, but who thinks to clean the handle?

-Speaking of people not washing their hands…just because you can’t see anything on your hands doesn’t mean nothing is there. Germs are really, really tiny. I mean really tiny.

-This one is just for the guys…if you have to pee and there is an open urinal, USE IT. I actually use restrooms to poop and I don’t like having to wipe urine off the seat before I go.

-Ball up the paper towel before throwing it away. It takes up like 300% less room in the trash can.

-I’ve asked many friends and coworkers why they put an empty stall/urinal between them and someone who is already using the restroom (a phenomenon I just discovered since I will use whichever one is cleanest and closest to the door) and have yet to hear a good answer. Most people claim they want privacy and that they are uncomfortable doing the deed while they can see any part of someone else or someone else can see any part of them. Everyone has to use the bathroom, don’t be ashamed that you do too.