Mother’s Day Poem

This is the poem my 9-month old daughter, Allison, wrote for my wife, Laura, for Mother’s Day yesterday…

…

Sweetie, for you, on your First Mother’s Day

I asked Allison what she wanted to say

When all she could say was dada and googoo

There was lots of code to decipher through

…

I couldn’t tell if she said “daddy, I love you”

Or was trying to say that she just went poopoo

So I made her a hat that could translate what she said

And held my breath as I put it on her head

…

The hat let out a click and a small puff of smoke

Then, to my surprise, Allison looked up and spoke:

“My Mommy’s the best (you’re the best daddy too)

So, for her special day, here’s what we should do.”

…

“Go to Galaxy Motors and buy mom a rocket

Then fly her around the moon and Mars

And look out the window at all the pretty stars

Then give her some earrings or a tiny heart locket”

…

“Or maybe we could buy her a ship

Sail her to Paris, Rome and Jamaica

Take her anywhere she wants us to take her

I know she would really like that trip.”

…

Laura, she wants to pay you back for being so kind

These are just two of a thousand ways she had in mind

But, what she wants most of all is simple to do

To hug you, to kiss you, and to say “I Love You”

Jack Deus Update

Wow. Been a while since I updated Ye Olde Blogge. I’ve been busy lately, what can I say? Here’s a quick update about what’s going on in my life…

1. I’m gonna be a daddy. My wife is pregnant and due at the end of July. We don’t know the gender yet, but we will be finding out in the next couple of weeks. We do have names picked out for both genders, but until the child is born we won’t be divulging that info.

2. American Gladiators held tryouts for season two in Denver yesterday. Friday after work I picked up Skid and we drove 8 hours to Denver, getting to our hotel around midnight local time. The AG website said the tryouts would go from 10-4 but to get there early because they cut off the tryouts right at 4, no matter where you are in line. It also said the line forms at 8, so don’t get there any earlier than that. Since we didn’t get to Denver until really late I decided to sleep until 8, eat a nice, leisurely breakfast and get there about 9. At 9:07 Skid and I are waiting in line. To make a long story shorter, I didn’t even get into the building until 2:05. That’s right, I spent 5 friggin hours outside in below 30 degree weather. Much to my dismay, once I made it inside the building I started hearing rumors that it was still at least 6 hours until I made it around the line into the gym to tryout, but they were going to extend the tryout time until they got everybody that was in line thru the tryouts. At 2:30 I had to pee so I left the line (by this time I had developed such a strong bond with the people in line around me that I knew they would let me back in) and went to the gym to watch the tryouts for a few minutes. I saw one of the people running the tryouts and asked how long he thought it would take to get from my spot in line to the gym and he told me 3-4 hours. I thought “sweet, I won’t have to stay in Denver another night, I can just drive back to Omaha and get there late.” When I was in the bathroom Skid overheard the worker I asked talking to his supervisor about the 4:00 cutoff time and the supervisor told him that no matter where you are in line, unless you are in the gym, you will be asked to leave without trying out. As soon as Skid told me this I let out a long sigh and we left Denver without trying out.

If I had to guess I would say there were about 500 people in line in front of me. The tryouts took so long that I estimate, if they actually cutoff the tryouts at 4:00, they only got thru 300 people in 6 hours. I have no idea how this happened because the actual physical part of the tryout only took about 4 minutes per person: do as many pull-ups as you can in 30 seconds, do 10 drop-downs and run the shuttle run as fast as you can, then go over and do the interview. I saw 4 people running the tests. Do the math-60 minutes in an hour / 4 minutes per tryout=25 people an hour X 4 people=100 people an hour=I SHOULD HAVE BEEN TRYING OUT AFTER WAITING IN LINE FOR 5 HOURS, NOT JUST GETTING INTO THE BUILDING. One of the things that pissed me off the most was I saw one girl trying out that couldn’t even pull herself up 4 inches when doing the pull-ups and THEY LET HER FINISH THE TRYOUT ANYWAY.

On to plan B, I guess. I have until February 11th to send in a 5 minute tape of myself along with the application, so I will be working on that this week. Hopefully you will see me on the New American Gladiators.

Side note from the trip that all of you Colorado Buffaloes haters out there will get a kick out of… the AG tryouts were held at the CU rec center right next to the football stadium and the parking wasn’t labeled great so I ending up driving up right next to the stadium and pulling into the CU VIP lot. There were a few cars in it, so I decided to park in the spot reserved for CU head football coach Dan Hawkins, thinking I wouldn’t get towed because it was the weekend during the off-season. Two hours later Skid realized he left something at the hotel so I gave him the keys to go back and get it. A security guard told him he was lucky because a tow truck was on its way because Coach Hawkins had come in to work and was pissed about someone parking in his spot. Take that CU.

3. For those of you that want to read more of my writings, sorry about not updating the site with anything. I am in a short-story writing class right now and 10 pages (how long the stories should be) is a little long to post here. Maybe later, once I get them completely edited, I will post them one page at a time.

CoD Fish

Last night I died

Not a true death, though

I was still conscious of the world

I could still hear the mortar blasts

and gunfire around me

I could also hear the screams of triumph

and the moans of agony

I could still taste the JD I just finished

and the bitterness of defeat

I could still smell the sweat

and B.O. of my killer

I couldn’t feel the ground underneath me

but could feel my weapons still in my hands

I couldn’t see the world around my lifeless body

but could see thru my killer’s eyes

as he replayed killing me

As I watch my death I can sometimes hear

my killer taunting me

 

10 seconds later I am awake

no longer dead

I still hear, taste, smell, and feel

like I did when I was dead

But the sights have changed

I no longer see myself dying

Did I even die?

No time to find out

I see the back of someone crouching

I spray them with bullets

Confirmed kill!

He lays there motionless

But I don’t have time for joy

Why not?…I just died….Again?!

I see my death again

I hear a different killer taunting me this time

Ah, the life of a noob

 

 

Just to give a little background about this poem, my buddy Skid had some people over for a LAN party and we played Call of Duty 4. I have never played this game before and the last time I played a game of a similar style was 3 or 4 years ago, so needless to say, I died A LOT, and killed people very infrequently.

 

7AM Path to…where?

At 7AM I take the path to where?

It’s not the path to saving lives and buildings from fires

It’s not the path to preventing and solving crimes

It’s not the path to flying a rocket to the moon

It’s not the path to flying a jet around the world

It’s not the path to kicking game winning field goals

It’s not the path to pitching out of 7th inning jams

It’s not the path towards deep sea exploration

It’s not the path that will fulfill childhood dreams

It’s not the path of wealth, fame, fortune, or adventure

It is the path of least resistance

It is the path of safety

It is the path of monotony

It is the path of very little risk

It is the path of sacrifice

It is the path of long hours

It is the path of no recognition

It is the path of monthly paychecks and monthly bills

It is the path of marriage, family, love, and happiness

At 7AM I take the path to work.

My Walmart Adventure-A Poem by Jack Deus

Gather ’round all you readers, and I shall start

The tale of my adventure at the local Walmart

     

I pulled into Walmart’s parking lot, expecting not to take long

I just had 1 thing to get, but about the trip length I was wrong

The parking stalls are slanted, so most rows are one way

I tried to drive down one, but headlights I did face

I went to the next row, down which I could go

Got cut off by a truck, oh what rotten luck

Less than 2 miles per hour I drove down the row, I do not jest 

3 people walked side by side, of me they were oblivious 

There were no close spots and when I got to row’s end

Walking straight at my car were two very large men

Since the row I drove down let traffic go both ways

I couldn’t scoot around these men in their daze

Finally a clear path! No cars near or far

I swerved to the left, lest the men walk into my car

In the next row I finally found an empty spot

My adventure was over, or so I had thought

    

I walked to the door watching people of all races

None of them had smiles on their faces

“Most of these people,” I thought as I walked to the door

“Shop at Walmart because it’s all they can afford.”

For me to judge them, a bad thing it was

But the judgements don’t come without cause

That guy buys new clothes instead of feeding his baby

Knowing of his child is sadly only maybe

Those girls dress up like they want to sleep around

It looks like they want to work the corners downtown

I see a man talking with a blue-tooth earpiece

He is so fat, every meal must be a feast

A man walks by, his face touched by a razor

Probably less times than he has been tazered

He has done hard time, to me that seems clear

Druggies and convicts seem the norm here

    

To the Christmas section I went, looking for a timer for my lights

Mothers tugged their children from the toys with all of their might 

The man on the headset, the one who hadn’t missed a meal

I saw him concealing DVDs that he meant to steal

I reported this to an employee whom I walked by

They acted like stopping him was the last thing they’d try

I shrugged and walked on towards the registers to pay

Each one had long lines I saw to my dismay

But wait, up ahead, I had a glimmer of hope

The 20 items-or-less self checkouts would be fast-NOPE!

The people in front of me only had one thing in their arms

But the lady in front of them they wanted to harm

In her cart she had what looked like at least 30 things

And then 51(!) boxes of crayons she needed the cashier’s help to ring

Thankfully the other cashier was such a nice guy

At his stand we paid and then to Walmart I said good-bye

     

There’s no more to tell, that’s the end of my story

Hopefully your Walmart experiences end up less gory.