Trivial Opinions

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Archive for the ‘Humorous’ Category

Frog story

Posted by Jack Deus on June 23, 2011

 Let me tell you a story. It is a simple story. A story of a dad. A dad trying to give his daughter a hands-on education… 

It was a clear black night, a clear white moon. Warren G was on the streets, trying to consume… uh, maybe I shouldn’t listen to old school rap while trying to write. Let us begin, again.

It was an unusually cool June evening. A dad was just finishing up trimming the lawn when he felt a tiny pair of eyes staring at him. Looking around, he glanced upon a little frog sitting in the freshly cut grass next to the house. “My daughter would love to see that frog up close,” he thought to himself, “and as an added bonus, I bet my wife would jump out of her skin if I showed it to her.” The frog did nothing, so the man bent down and stared at it, trying to figure out the best way to catch it. Still the frog did nothing, so the man leaned in a foot closer, and felt his heart rate speed up. And still the frog did nothing, so the man, ever so slowly extended his hand towards the frog. The frog jumped onto the low retaining wall next to it, so the man stifled a scream and jumped back.

The man took a deep breath and glanced around to make sure none of the neighbors saw him lose round one to a frog no bigger than an infant’s fist. He took a deep breath, and could do nothing. He took another deep breath, and still could do nothing. He took a third deep breath, and before his mind could catch up to what his body was doing, both hands had darted towards the frog and were covering it. Unsure of what to do, now that he had won round two and actually trapped the frog, the man opened the gap between his hands just to make sure the frog was really there. He closed his hands around the frog and stood up, gloating to himself over his triumph.

As soon as the man cupped his hands to see the frog better, the frog took a long hop off a short pier. Channeling all his childhood baseball and football training, the man caught the frog in midair just as it started its decent. The man stared at the frog in his hand in shock. The frog stared back at the man in shock. Then, seeing that it was only being held captive by a flat open hand, the frog attempted another leap to freedom, and again was caught before it could escape. Again the man and frog stared at each other in shock, before the frog made a third futile attempt at freedom. This time the man got smart, or so he thought, and covered up the frog with his free hand. Seeing no way out, the frog brought out his big guns. The man dropped the frog and stared in disbelief at his hand. “Huh, that’s pretty awesome,” the man thought to himself, sarcastically. “I’ve never been peed on by a frog before.”

After the man turned off the hose and dried his hands on his t-shirt, he looked to his right and saw a frog staring at him. The frog did nothing, so the man stared at it. Still the frog did nothing, so the man continued to stare at it. When finally the frog continued to do nothing, the man bent over, reached out his hands… and picked up the trimmer to finish his work.

Ok. The man is this story is obviously me, and looking back at it I realize it isn’t putting me in the best light. So, let me start the story over.

I submit for your reading pleasure, a simple story. A story of a hunter so fierce, that he merely needed to touch an animal to have it piss itself in fear…

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Posted in Humorous, It happened to me, My Writings | Leave a Comment »

Stuff Christians Like 2

Posted by Jack Deus on March 28, 2010

Congratulations! You’ve just received or finished one of the two copies of the amazing traveling book Stuff Christians Like and followed the directions to track and update its progress. Good for you for following directions. You deserve a gold star.

Please post a comment with your name (first name only is fine, if you feel more comfortable that way), city and state where you live, date you got the book, and what you thought of the book. Feel free to put anything else down you think other people would like.

Posted in Humorous, Stuff Christians Like | Tagged: , , | Leave a Comment »

Stuff Christians Like 1

Posted by Jack Deus on March 27, 2010

Congratulations! You’ve just received or finished one of the two copies of the amazing traveling book Stuff Christians Like and followed the directions to track and update its progress. Good for you for following directions. You deserve a gold star.

Please post a comment with your name (first name only is fine, if you feel more comfortable that way), city and state where you live, date you got the book, and what you thought of the book. Feel free to put anything else down you think other people would like.

Posted in Humorous, Stuff Christians Like | Tagged: , , | Leave a Comment »

2009 NFL Predictions Rehash

Posted by Jack Deus on January 4, 2010

The NFL regular season is over and the playoffs are about to begin, so it is time to look back at my NFL predictions from August and see how close (or far) I was to being Nostradamus.

AFC Predictions Recap

East: 1. Patriots, 2. Dolphins, 3. Bills, 4. NY Jets

North: 1. Steelers, 2. Ravens, 3. Bengals, 4. Browns

South: 1. Colts, 2. Titans, 3. Texans, 4. Jaguars

West: 1. Chargers, 2. Raiders, 3. Broncos, 4. Chiefs

Some of the predictions I made and what actually happened.

“Pats have a good chance of going undefeated” – They lost 6 games.

“Dolphins should still be able to finish above .500” – They finished 7-9

“Addition of T.O. should make a drastic difference” – He did lead the team in receptions and yards, but the Bills still stunk.

“Jets will be lucky to win 6 games this year” – They must be super-duper-pooper-scooper lucky: won 9 games and made the playoffs.

“Steelers know how to get the job done to defend their Super Bowl title” – Missed the playoffs by playing like crap in the middle of the season. 

“Bengals won’t have a winning record” – Won 10 games and the division.

“Ravens rushing attack may be even better this year than it was last year” – 2200 yards and 22 TDs this year. 2376 yards and 20 TDs in 2008. Call it a wash.

“Browns and Lions will be battling for worst team in the league” – St Louis actually took that honor, but they did beat the Lions. Wash again.

Peyton Manning will do everything he can to make sure the Colts finish 1st this year” – The Colts are a stupid coach away from finishing with a perfect regular season record, due in large part to MVP Manning. Finally got one right!

“Texans will finally finish with a winning record” – Got another one. They finished 9-7.

“Titans are not very confident with Vince Young” – He won a lot of games after being made the starter because of their putrid start with Kerry Collins at QB.

Maurice Jones-Drew won’t have the energy he did last year having to handle the full RB load” – Back to being wrong. He had a great statistical year.

“Chargers will score a lot of points again this year” – 4th in the NFL in points this year. 2nd in 2008. Slight drop off, but still accurate.

“With Jeff Garcia challenging him, JaMarcus Russell will get better” – They cut Garcia, and Russell still stunk.

“Only way the Broncos avoid the cellar is if they have a RB do great” – They avoided the cellar and didn’t have a RB with 1,000 yards rushing.

“The Chiefs won’t win more than 3 games this year” – 4-12. So close, and yet so far.

NFC Predictions Recap

East: 1. Eagles, 2. Cowboys, 3. NY Giants, 4. Redskins

North: 1. Vikings, 2. Bears, 3. Packers, 4. Lions

South: 1. Panthers, 2. Saints, 3. Falcons, 4. Bucs

West:  1. Seahawks, 2. Cardinals, 3. 49ers, 4. Rams

Some of the predictions I made and what actually happened.

“If McNabb and Westbrook stay healthy the Eagles should be very good” – Westbrook was hurt a good chunk of the season and they were still very good.

“With T.O. and Jessica Simpson out, Romo will finally prove he can finish a season” – He had a great December. One right already!

“Giants will miss the playoffs but finish above .500” – Finished 8-8. Call it a wash.

Jim Zorn will get fired and Bill Cowher will be the new coach of the Redskins” – All reports point to Mike Shanahan being the next head coach.

Adrian Pederson may have his best year yet” – Defenses kept stacking the box waiting for the shoe to drop with Favre, but it never did. AP still had a good year, but not his best ever.

Cutler is a better QB than Orton and Grossman put together” – and he threw more interceptions than them put together too. Oh, wait, that doesn’t make him better.

“Packers won’t move past the Vikings of Bears” – Finished 4 games ahead of the Bears

“The Lions will not finish 0-16 this year” – They actually won 2 games despite losing to the worst team in football (the Rams).

“Until someone proves you can stop Williams and Stewart the Panthers will finish on top” – They both ran great, but the Panthers still finished 3rd in the division.

Drew Brees will find a way to win the games the Saints lost last year” – They won a lot of games this year because of Brees.

Ryan and Turner will be worse statistically and miss the playoffs” – Two in a row.

“Bucs have QB troubles and will stink” – Three in a row!

“Seahawks have all the offensive keys to finish atop the division” – 5th worst offensive scoring in NFC. Finished 3rd in division.

“Cardinals won’t improve on their 9-7 record from 2008” – Finished 10-6.

“49ers may be able to finish the season around .500” – 8-8 is exactly .500. Woohoo, another one right.

“Rams will stink almost as bad as 2008 Lions” – Their only win this year was against the Lions.

How I Did

I correctly predicted where the Patriots, Ravens, Browns, Colts, Jaguars, Chargers, and Chiefs would finish in the AFC. That’s 7 of 16. Not bad, but not good.

I correctly predicted where the NY Giants, Redskins, Vikings, Lions, Bucs, and Rams would finish in the NFC. That’s only 6 of 16. If not for the really bad teams being easy to predict at the bottom of each division I would have done horribly.

I made a lot of specific predictions and got a few of them right, while getting most of them wrong. Hey, I am like Nostradamus. I just need to be a little more vague and people may start thinking I am him reincarnated.

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Fools and Donkeys

Posted by Jack Deus on December 23, 2009

I stumbled upon this today and I thought it was too good not to share. I found it here as part of a children’s (?) book from 1881. 

Why does an Ass

Prefer thistles to grass?

Is a puzzle to many no doubt;

But the answer comes swift, as a flash from the skies,

And if it’s not witty it is not unwise:-

The brute turns away with contempt from the grass,

For the plain simple reason–because he’s an ass.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Why does not the fool prefer virtue to vice?

When one is so vile the other so nice.

The answer we find, by the very same rule.

The fool prefers vice, just because he’s a fool.

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