Trivial Opinions

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Archive for the ‘It happened to me’ Category

Frog story

Posted by Jack Deus on June 23, 2011

 Let me tell you a story. It is a simple story. A story of a dad. A dad trying to give his daughter a hands-on education… 

It was a clear black night, a clear white moon. Warren G was on the streets, trying to consume… uh, maybe I shouldn’t listen to old school rap while trying to write. Let us begin, again.

It was an unusually cool June evening. A dad was just finishing up trimming the lawn when he felt a tiny pair of eyes staring at him. Looking around, he glanced upon a little frog sitting in the freshly cut grass next to the house. “My daughter would love to see that frog up close,” he thought to himself, “and as an added bonus, I bet my wife would jump out of her skin if I showed it to her.” The frog did nothing, so the man bent down and stared at it, trying to figure out the best way to catch it. Still the frog did nothing, so the man leaned in a foot closer, and felt his heart rate speed up. And still the frog did nothing, so the man, ever so slowly extended his hand towards the frog. The frog jumped onto the low retaining wall next to it, so the man stifled a scream and jumped back.

The man took a deep breath and glanced around to make sure none of the neighbors saw him lose round one to a frog no bigger than an infant’s fist. He took a deep breath, and could do nothing. He took another deep breath, and still could do nothing. He took a third deep breath, and before his mind could catch up to what his body was doing, both hands had darted towards the frog and were covering it. Unsure of what to do, now that he had won round two and actually trapped the frog, the man opened the gap between his hands just to make sure the frog was really there. He closed his hands around the frog and stood up, gloating to himself over his triumph.

As soon as the man cupped his hands to see the frog better, the frog took a long hop off a short pier. Channeling all his childhood baseball and football training, the man caught the frog in midair just as it started its decent. The man stared at the frog in his hand in shock. The frog stared back at the man in shock. Then, seeing that it was only being held captive by a flat open hand, the frog attempted another leap to freedom, and again was caught before it could escape. Again the man and frog stared at each other in shock, before the frog made a third futile attempt at freedom. This time the man got smart, or so he thought, and covered up the frog with his free hand. Seeing no way out, the frog brought out his big guns. The man dropped the frog and stared in disbelief at his hand. “Huh, that’s pretty awesome,” the man thought to himself, sarcastically. “I’ve never been peed on by a frog before.”

After the man turned off the hose and dried his hands on his t-shirt, he looked to his right and saw a frog staring at him. The frog did nothing, so the man stared at it. Still the frog did nothing, so the man continued to stare at it. When finally the frog continued to do nothing, the man bent over, reached out his hands… and picked up the trimmer to finish his work.

Ok. The man is this story is obviously me, and looking back at it I realize it isn’t putting me in the best light. So, let me start the story over.

I submit for your reading pleasure, a simple story. A story of a hunter so fierce, that he merely needed to touch an animal to have it piss itself in fear…


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Fools and Donkeys

Posted by Jack Deus on December 23, 2009

I stumbled upon this today and I thought it was too good not to share. I found it here as part of a children’s (?) book from 1881. 

Why does an Ass

Prefer thistles to grass?

Is a puzzle to many no doubt;

But the answer comes swift, as a flash from the skies,

And if it’s not witty it is not unwise:-

The brute turns away with contempt from the grass,

For the plain simple reason–because he’s an ass.


Why does not the fool prefer virtue to vice?

When one is so vile the other so nice.

The answer we find, by the very same rule.

The fool prefers vice, just because he’s a fool.

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Why July Flies By

Posted by Jack Deus on July 21, 2009

Wow. Three weeks gone in July and not one single post? I’m slipping. I don’t have a good reason for not talking to you for so long, my loyal readers, but I do have a bunch of OK reasons.

1) My buddy SkidVis got me an iPod Touch for my birthday (I know, pretty sweet friend, right?) and I downloaded the WordPress app for it. On July 5th I wrote an awesome post about bike trails and the interesting people I saw using that app. I was only 90% done so I saved it in local draft mode and when I went to finish it the next day it was gone. The only thing that was left was the title of the post. I wrote the post in “the heat of the moment” after the bike ride and I couldn’t remember half of what I said, so I just scrapped it.

2) July 8thI was packing and otherwise getting ready to go to Cancun with my wife. I also took my daughter to JCPenney to get her 1 year photos taken.

3) July 9th-12thI was in Cancun with my wife. I probably would’ve tried to write another post on my iPod Touch while on one of my 4 layovers in the airports, but I couldn’t connect to a WiFi signal in any of them and I wasn’t about to write a report I couldn’t post right away. By the way, the trip was awesome and long enough (every time we told someone we were going for 4 days they said it would be too short). The beaches were sandy and full of cool shells for me to collect, the sun shined almost the whole time, the food was great, and the company (my wife) couldn’t have been more lovely.

4) July 13th-15th My dad and I drove down to St. Louis for the Major League Baseball All-Star Game. I brought my laptop to write a post but lo-and-behold the hotel didn’t have wireless. We had a blast, though. I got to Busch Stadium at 10am (the game didn’t start until 7pm) to walk around, enjoy the atmosphere, and try to score some autographs. Mission accomplished! I was one of the first people in line to get Milwaukee Brewers‘ first baseman Prince Fielder‘s autograph (he won the Home Run Derby the night before so the line got pretty long, pretty quick). My dad and I stopped at a Wal-Mart in Kansas City to get a few baseballs and Sharpies so I could collect the autographs, but unfortunately Prince was only signing these little cards as part of a promotion with… I forget who. As I was in that line I heard that Cardinals great Lou Brock would be signing shortly so as soon as I congratulated Prince on winning the Derby the night before I made my way over to Lou’s tent. Being in St. Louis, I wasn’t surprised that Lou’s line was longer than Prince’s but I was a little worried that I wouldn’t be able to get through it before he had to go get ready for the parade later that day. Luckily I did get through and instead of a stupid card, Lou was signing 8×10 glossy photos, and had a MLB associate standing next to him authenticating the signatures as he was doing it. I didn’t have much time to talk to either person, but I do want to point out that they were both super nice guys. The game was awesome and my seats were even better. We were three rows behind the National League bullpen, so a lot of home runs were hit our way during batting practice. My dad even caught a ball tossed into the stands by Raul Ibanez of the Phillies and gave it to me. Because I was so close to the bullpen, every half inning (the ushers made me sit down during actual play) I would run to the side of the bullpen and ask the players to sign my balls. In the fifth I was finally able to convince Heath Bell of the Padres to sign one for me. Too bad he ended up being the losing pitcher that night.

5) July 15th (evening) and still ongoing. I started feeling a little under the weather when my wife and I went out to eat the night I got back from St. Louis. For the next 3 days I got worse and worse, until yesterday I started feeling a little better, and today I feel a little better still, but I’m not anywhere near 100% yet. Basically, somehow I ingested some tainted water while I was in Mexico, and after an apparent 3 day latency period, whatever was in the water decided to attack my digestive system. This is sometimes called Montezuma’s Revenge, but is more commonly referred to as traveler’s diarrhea. Boy, that name couldn’t be any more accurate. I went to the bathroom over 100 times in 4 days. No joke. I also got a fever trying to fight the infection and sweated through 8 shirts, 5 pairs of pajama pants, and 3 sets of sheets over 3 nights. I hope none of you ever have to go through what I went though, so whenever you go south of the border make sure to stay as far away from non-bottled water as you can. Not just drinking, but brushing your teeth, washing your hands, even taking a shower. OK, maybe the shower thing is going a little too far, but if that’s how I got this bug I would skip a shower for an entire year, rather than go through a week of this again.

6) As SkidVis so eloquently Twittered on July 20th, “If ur like me, u tweet often cuz u feel it counts as updating ur website.” I have been thinking this way, but I’m going to try to get away from this mentality. Have no fear, Twitter followers, I will still update Twitter just like I have been, I just won’t count it in my mind as a website update.

So, I apologize for not updating weekly as I promised at the beginning of the year, but I will do my best to finish the year off as I started it, with a post every week.

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Mother’s Day Poem

Posted by Jack Deus on May 11, 2009

This is the poem my 9-month old daughter, Allison, wrote for my wife, Laura, for Mother’s Day yesterday…

Sweetie, for you, on your First Mother’s Day

I asked Allison what she wanted to say

When all she could say was dada and googoo

There was lots of code to decipher through

I couldn’t tell if she said “daddy, I love you”

Or was trying to say that she just went poopoo

So I made her a hat that could translate what she said

And held my breath as I put it on her head

The hat let out a click and a small puff of smoke

Then, to my surprise, Allison looked up and spoke:

“My Mommy’s the best (you’re the best daddy too)

So, for her special day, here’s what we should do.”

“Go to Galaxy Motors and buy mom a rocket

Then fly her around the moon and Mars

And look out the window at all the pretty stars

Then give her some earrings or a tiny heart locket”

“Or maybe we could buy her a ship

Sail her to Paris, Rome and Jamaica

Take her anywhere she wants us to take her

I know she would really like that trip.”

Laura, she wants to pay you back for being so kind

These are just two of a thousand ways she had in mind

But, what she wants most of all is simple to do

To hug you, to kiss you, and to say “I Love You”

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Open Letter to Fox

Posted by Jack Deus on May 4, 2009

May 4th, 2009

To: Fox Executives

Re: Television Programming Lineup

Dear Sirs and Madams,

          Let me start by telling you how much I love some of your shows. I am a big fan of House, 24, Fringe, Dollhouse, and Lie to Me. I haven’t missed an episode of any of those shows since they went on the air.  I also own every season of House and 24 that is currently out on DVD. It may not have been the smartest move on my part to buy the DVDs, since I haven’t actually watched them since I bought them, but just knowing they are on my shelf helps me sleep better at night. So, thank you for that.

          I also need to let you know how awesome I think is. Being able to watch any of my favorite shows that I may have missed for free! is, to borrow a phrase from the Brits, bloody brilliant. On the flip side of that coin, though, the reason why I most recently had to use is, to borrow a phrase from the French, #$!%ed up. I work full-time, and I go to school, and I have a nine-month old daughter, so I really don’t have time to sit down and watch all of those shows I mentioned above when they are actually airing.

          To help me actually have time to sit down and watch your awesome shows I employ the services of a Tivo. Tivo is a wonderful thing. I can’t even imagine my life without it. The only real drawback I have found to Tivo is WHEN SOME IDIOT *coughRyanSeacrest* CAN’T CONTROL THE SHOW HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE MCing SO IT GOES LONGER THAN IT SHOULD, PUSHING BACK THE STARTING TIME OF THE NEXT SHOW, AND RATHER THAN CUT THAT SHOW OFF AND PLAY THE NEXT SHOW ON TIME OR CUT OUT A FEW COMMERCIALS TO GET THE NEXT SHOW BACK ON TIME, THE MORON IN THE STUDIO DECIDES TO LET BOTH SHOWS GO LONG!

          Now, I’m not sure if you are familiar with how Tivo works, so allow me to explain. Basically, the networks (i.e. you guys) publish the listing of which shows will be on at which times. Tivo takes these listings and records shows that I tell it to record based off of these listings. When these listings tell Tivo that Fringe will be playing on Fox from 8:00-9:00pm, Tivo will record whatever is on Fox from 8:00-9:00pm. You see, Tivo isn’t a human being. It is a machine that can only do what it is pregrammed to do. It can’t see that Fringe didn’t actually start at 8:00. So, guess what happens when Moron in the Studio decides to let both American Idol and Fringe get pushed back a few minutes? I miss the last few minutes of Fringe, that’s what happens. Then I have to walk all the up to my computer, go to, find the episode I was just watching, find the time it got cut off at and finish watching it.

          Luckily for me I have a computer and high-speed internet. But, I would be willing to bet that not everyone who records Fringe on their Tivo has a computer, so they are missing out on the last few minutes. That’s like bringing dessert to someone, letting them see it and smell it, then throwing it on the floor. On behalf of everyone who watches Fringe: Screw you Fox for throwing our dessert on the floor!

Thank you for your time,

Jack Deus

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