Trivial Opinions

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Archive for the ‘My Writings’ Category

Frog story

Posted by Jack Deus on June 23, 2011

 Let me tell you a story. It is a simple story. A story of a dad. A dad trying to give his daughter a hands-on education… 

It was a clear black night, a clear white moon. Warren G was on the streets, trying to consume… uh, maybe I shouldn’t listen to old school rap while trying to write. Let us begin, again.

It was an unusually cool June evening. A dad was just finishing up trimming the lawn when he felt a tiny pair of eyes staring at him. Looking around, he glanced upon a little frog sitting in the freshly cut grass next to the house. “My daughter would love to see that frog up close,” he thought to himself, “and as an added bonus, I bet my wife would jump out of her skin if I showed it to her.” The frog did nothing, so the man bent down and stared at it, trying to figure out the best way to catch it. Still the frog did nothing, so the man leaned in a foot closer, and felt his heart rate speed up. And still the frog did nothing, so the man, ever so slowly extended his hand towards the frog. The frog jumped onto the low retaining wall next to it, so the man stifled a scream and jumped back.

The man took a deep breath and glanced around to make sure none of the neighbors saw him lose round one to a frog no bigger than an infant’s fist. He took a deep breath, and could do nothing. He took another deep breath, and still could do nothing. He took a third deep breath, and before his mind could catch up to what his body was doing, both hands had darted towards the frog and were covering it. Unsure of what to do, now that he had won round two and actually trapped the frog, the man opened the gap between his hands just to make sure the frog was really there. He closed his hands around the frog and stood up, gloating to himself over his triumph.

As soon as the man cupped his hands to see the frog better, the frog took a long hop off a short pier. Channeling all his childhood baseball and football training, the man caught the frog in midair just as it started its decent. The man stared at the frog in his hand in shock. The frog stared back at the man in shock. Then, seeing that it was only being held captive by a flat open hand, the frog attempted another leap to freedom, and again was caught before it could escape. Again the man and frog stared at each other in shock, before the frog made a third futile attempt at freedom. This time the man got smart, or so he thought, and covered up the frog with his free hand. Seeing no way out, the frog brought out his big guns. The man dropped the frog and stared in disbelief at his hand. “Huh, that’s pretty awesome,” the man thought to himself, sarcastically. “I’ve never been peed on by a frog before.”

After the man turned off the hose and dried his hands on his t-shirt, he looked to his right and saw a frog staring at him. The frog did nothing, so the man stared at it. Still the frog did nothing, so the man continued to stare at it. When finally the frog continued to do nothing, the man bent over, reached out his hands… and picked up the trimmer to finish his work.

Ok. The man is this story is obviously me, and looking back at it I realize it isn’t putting me in the best light. So, let me start the story over.

I submit for your reading pleasure, a simple story. A story of a hunter so fierce, that he merely needed to touch an animal to have it piss itself in fear…

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Mother’s Day Poem

Posted by Jack Deus on May 11, 2009

This is the poem my 9-month old daughter, Allison, wrote for my wife, Laura, for Mother’s Day yesterday…

Sweetie, for you, on your First Mother’s Day

I asked Allison what she wanted to say

When all she could say was dada and googoo

There was lots of code to decipher through

I couldn’t tell if she said “daddy, I love you”

Or was trying to say that she just went poopoo

So I made her a hat that could translate what she said

And held my breath as I put it on her head

The hat let out a click and a small puff of smoke

Then, to my surprise, Allison looked up and spoke:

“My Mommy’s the best (you’re the best daddy too)

So, for her special day, here’s what we should do.”

“Go to Galaxy Motors and buy mom a rocket

Then fly her around the moon and Mars

And look out the window at all the pretty stars

Then give her some earrings or a tiny heart locket”

“Or maybe we could buy her a ship

Sail her to Paris, Rome and Jamaica

Take her anywhere she wants us to take her

I know she would really like that trip.”

Laura, she wants to pay you back for being so kind

These are just two of a thousand ways she had in mind

But, what she wants most of all is simple to do

To hug you, to kiss you, and to say “I Love You”

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Jack Deus Update

Posted by Jack Deus on February 3, 2008

Wow. Been a while since I updated Ye Olde Blogge. I’ve been busy lately, what can I say? Here’s a quick update about what’s going on in my life…

1. I’m gonna be a daddy. My wife is pregnant and due at the end of July. We don’t know the gender yet, but we will be finding out in the next couple of weeks. We do have names picked out for both genders, but until the child is born we won’t be divulging that info.

2. American Gladiators held tryouts for season two in Denver yesterday. Friday after work I picked up Skid and we drove 8 hours to Denver, getting to our hotel around midnight local time. The AG website said the tryouts would go from 10-4 but to get there early because they cut off the tryouts right at 4, no matter where you are in line. It also said the line forms at 8, so don’t get there any earlier than that. Since we didn’t get to Denver until really late I decided to sleep until 8, eat a nice, leisurely breakfast and get there about 9. At 9:07 Skid and I are waiting in line. To make a long story shorter, I didn’t even get into the building until 2:05. That’s right, I spent 5 friggin hours outside in below 30 degree weather. Much to my dismay, once I made it inside the building I started hearing rumors that it was still at least 6 hours until I made it around the line into the gym to tryout, but they were going to extend the tryout time until they got everybody that was in line thru the tryouts. At 2:30 I had to pee so I left the line (by this time I had developed such a strong bond with the people in line around me that I knew they would let me back in) and went to the gym to watch the tryouts for a few minutes. I saw one of the people running the tryouts and asked how long he thought it would take to get from my spot in line to the gym and he told me 3-4 hours. I thought “sweet, I won’t have to stay in Denver another night, I can just drive back to Omaha and get there late.” When I was in the bathroom Skid overheard the worker I asked talking to his supervisor about the 4:00 cutoff time and the supervisor told him that no matter where you are in line, unless you are in the gym, you will be asked to leave without trying out. As soon as Skid told me this I let out a long sigh and we left Denver without trying out.

If I had to guess I would say there were about 500 people in line in front of me. The tryouts took so long that I estimate, if they actually cutoff the tryouts at 4:00, they only got thru 300 people in 6 hours. I have no idea how this happened because the actual physical part of the tryout only took about 4 minutes per person: do as many pull-ups as you can in 30 seconds, do 10 drop-downs and run the shuttle run as fast as you can, then go over and do the interview. I saw 4 people running the tests. Do the math-60 minutes in an hour / 4 minutes per tryout=25 people an hour X 4 people=100 people an hour=I SHOULD HAVE BEEN TRYING OUT AFTER WAITING IN LINE FOR 5 HOURS, NOT JUST GETTING INTO THE BUILDING. One of the things that pissed me off the most was I saw one girl trying out that couldn’t even pull herself up 4 inches when doing the pull-ups and THEY LET HER FINISH THE TRYOUT ANYWAY.

On to plan B, I guess. I have until February 11th to send in a 5 minute tape of myself along with the application, so I will be working on that this week. Hopefully you will see me on the New American Gladiators.

Side note from the trip that all of you Colorado Buffaloes haters out there will get a kick out of… the AG tryouts were held at the CU rec center right next to the football stadium and the parking wasn’t labeled great so I ending up driving up right next to the stadium and pulling into the CU VIP lot. There were a few cars in it, so I decided to park in the spot reserved for CU head football coach Dan Hawkins, thinking I wouldn’t get towed because it was the weekend during the off-season. Two hours later Skid realized he left something at the hotel so I gave him the keys to go back and get it. A security guard told him he was lucky because a tow truck was on its way because Coach Hawkins had come in to work and was pissed about someone parking in his spot. Take that CU. 🙂

3. For those of you that want to read more of my writings, sorry about not updating the site with anything. I am in a short-story writing class right now and 10 pages (how long the stories should be) is a little long to post here. Maybe later, once I get them completely edited, I will post them one page at a time.

Posted in Humorous, It happened to me, My Writings, Sports | Tagged: , , , , , | 1 Comment »

CoD Fish

Posted by Jack Deus on December 24, 2007

Last night I died

Not a true death, though

I was still conscious of the world

I could still hear the mortar blasts

and gunfire around me

I could also hear the screams of triumph

and the moans of agony

I could still taste the JD I just finished

and the bitterness of defeat

I could still smell the sweat

and B.O. of my killer

I couldn’t feel the ground underneath me

but could feel my weapons still in my hands

I couldn’t see the world around my lifeless body

but could see thru my killer’s eyes

as he replayed killing me

As I watch my death I can sometimes hear

my killer taunting me

 

10 seconds later I am awake

no longer dead

I still hear, taste, smell, and feel

like I did when I was dead

But the sights have changed

I no longer see myself dying

Did I even die?

No time to find out

I see the back of someone crouching

I spray them with bullets

Confirmed kill!

He lays there motionless

But I don’t have time for joy

Why not?…I just died….Again?!

I see my death again

I hear a different killer taunting me this time

Ah, the life of a noob

 

 

Just to give a little background about this poem, my buddy Skid had some people over for a LAN party and we played Call of Duty 4. I have never played this game before and the last time I played a game of a similar style was 3 or 4 years ago, so needless to say, I died A LOT, and killed people very infrequently.

 

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7AM Path to…where?

Posted by Jack Deus on December 16, 2007

At 7AM I take the path to where?

It’s not the path to saving lives and buildings from fires

It’s not the path to preventing and solving crimes

It’s not the path to flying a rocket to the moon

It’s not the path to flying a jet around the world

It’s not the path to kicking game winning field goals

It’s not the path to pitching out of 7th inning jams

It’s not the path towards deep sea exploration

It’s not the path that will fulfill childhood dreams

It’s not the path of wealth, fame, fortune, or adventure

It is the path of least resistance

It is the path of safety

It is the path of monotony

It is the path of very little risk

It is the path of sacrifice

It is the path of long hours

It is the path of no recognition

It is the path of monthly paychecks and monthly bills

It is the path of marriage, family, love, and happiness

At 7AM I take the path to work.

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